After The Before

after the before

There use to be a simple idea in my head about creating fantasy to obtain reality. When in actual reality, you are in the moment you are in, not without control of actions, but without certainty. A life unfolds in the ether, it shifts and moves with an abundance of thoughts, materials, shuttering within itself. There is nothing wrong with hope, or “manifesting” your directions to see how much of your future you can control, it’s a technique to surviving through this giant mess of existence. I’m learning over these past months, there is no control. You like things, you project a persona to hold onto what you like. Yeah, be real, be authentic, but the world is gonna be the world, and you are in it, without much control. You have your moments, and a developing philosophy on how to get through them, but ultimately you just have yourself. Yes, other people are important. I’m not saying your alone so be alone, I’m saying OWN YOURSELF, then be in the world.

I certainly believe in energy. There is a force you give and take from. This field gives it back to you, I believe that. I have no answers to any questions beyond myself, and in that self, is an endless line of more questions, so what do I really know? A person, if they’re connected to who they are, knows what to do, how to trust their intuition, right? Many times the fantasy we create will confuse that instinct, it will blurry the lines, shade the colors, and put you out there slightly different from what you might realize. I don’t know if it’s a bad thing. I figure “fantasy” creates ambition, which creates purpose, and brings forth new lights, and education? All those things are good. It’s easy to see how quickly we can get swept up in a faith or perspective that’s not really ours, but brought back to us from transferring our fears, or ideals in self, onto someone else, or a new experience.

Lets be clear here. Life is already hard without spending the moments in it hoping to gain even the slightest grasp on what it is you’re trying to accomplish. Do we really ever know what we’re doing? Or do we spend our whole life trying to figure it out, so we’re sheltered from the true blue reality that its gonna be over, poof, we’re gone? I most certainly want to live a full life, free to myself, within a community of like-minded or differing people. But it’s fantasy. It’s not so far off that it won’t happen, but I can’t help but think the idea of it keeps me from truly living right now. All we are is now, whats behind a door, or a curtain, doesn’t matter, you’re always going to have to go straight through it, not around it. I’m gonna hopefully stop trying to predict, or know whats after, the before. I can go straight through anything, taking and giving, sponging for art, building up myself so I can live as an example in boldness, or simply stated, truly being who I am, not who I am supposed to be, or who I think I can become through remedy.

There is no riddle to solve. Sure, learn from what you do. You better be open to that part, but there is no answers, just more and more questions. You pick up little pieces and build fictional houses in your mind of what you believe gives you the sense that you are on top of everything. But in reality, you’re in the wind, blowing around, landing, then up and away you go again, to a new place. All along you’ve had the only answer you’ll ever need, which is to say, you are always right there. No control on time, or others. It’s just you out here. Keep your things to get through all of this, you need them. But they’re not the saving forces of any outcome (maybe sanity). You have no control, and in that, there’s  real freedom.

The tricky part is understanding how to really feel that space. Which brings us back to the “more questions” part of this piece. I think too much “self-care” is dangerous. Not because its harmful in the immediate sense of the word, but its possible that ritual brings repression in a person. Not everything you’re looking for is in the earth, or in a book someone else wrote teaching you how to read signs, or dissect some cool philosophy.  Yeah, if it makes you feel better, go for it. But how much are you missing b/c you read somewhere the elemental signs in a day reveal a clear path?  And whats really going on if you’re always having to find a place that “feels” better, is it better? So I guess this is the part I take a deep breath and feel everything, let emotions be my guide? Maybe even a scarier place. Emotional response can be as fickle as a chemical reaction in your body from lunch. I’ve spent plenty of time in this world. Not all bad, and gifts come from it, but intensity can be a real curse. That shit will pass and there you’ll be, again, and again, with different perspectives. It’s not wrong to feel, or work on yourself, but you have to let go and be where you are, this might be the most important step I’m thinking. Balance is important, but forced balanced isn’t real balance. So what do we know then? Haha!

The hope is you can experience enough, not to spend all your time focusing on who you are, but just enjoying, that you are someone at all. If you’re lucky, you’re a creative person, a kind person. If you’re unlucky, I have no idea what you are. I don’t know if I even believe in luck. Maybe the real answer is to not believe in anything at all? Nah, for me, creativity is where I find the most joy and comfort and whats close to some understanding of who I might be today, and maybe that’ll be tomorrow? It’s not the thing you hang on a wall mind you. It’s the governing philosophy that to create is to live. This comes in all forms. You can be creative without a product to sell, or a fashion to hitch yourself to. The mind is imagination, not sheltered by walls, but open, wild, and becoming. There is an endless river of fear in the idea of malleability. But in that there is hope, there is a place of peace. That I, the human being living with this blood, this matter, am a walking, talking, thinking, endlessly searching individual, and its ok that’s not forever. Its ok I don’t know what it means, or how I relate to the signs. I’m open to it all, thats how I know I am alive.  There’s different ways to obtain it, none of us know, or have the right remedy. And we never will. That has to be the gateway to happiness. Otherwise, we’ll just waste our time looking, instead of standing still in the ever-present reality of, right now. That stillness is the most powerful thing I have ever felt in my life. Its the core, the soil, the palm of a hand. Its where it all feels the most real. And its where I’m sending off all my hangers on, all my fleeting moments. They belong to that space now, and I belong to nothing but myself, in that space.

NOTE: I easily meet people and get lost in them (if there’s something to it), almost like a mechanism to take what I need for my imagination in order to produce art. Like a vessel that goes undercover, collecting data and new inspiration so the ghost will come and feed the muse. I’m not sure this is healthy, but its real, and I’m honest about it. But I also find I deny it so I can believe the experience is worth more than it is. Do I write poetry and express raw emotion to others because it’s for them, or do I do it because the “idea” of it is intoxicating? Are they the drug, and I’m the addict? It’s interesting to think about. I’ll give that to the stillness as well. Bye Now!



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